The past year has been very hard on me. The divorce, losing my job, turning 40, just felt like I have wasted years of my life. As a mother, of course I cannot voice these things out loud because we have our children to live for.
But they grow up too, and these once little humans are now building their lives, without mom hovering to catch them every time they fall. We are, well, I am an empty nester now and the silence is deafening. I love them to pieces, but the past months has been terrible for me that I just wanted time alone, to cry if I wanted to, to be lazy even if it got me more depressed at the end of the day.
I needed focus and my best friend had this idea that I should do yoga. I was not looking forward to seeing other people or meeting new friends. Not just yet. So she looked for a way and made this wonderful discovery – yoga videos!
One would think that beginners should really go to a studio and join a class. In my situation, I just needed to hide and heal without an audience fawning and fussing over me. I challenged myself and tried live streaming yoga in my back porch. I had my two beagles lounging lazily nearby while I prepared to make a fool of myself.
Ok, so the first time I tried it did not really go well – as expected. I could not reach my toes at all and I felt like my legs were not listening to me. I could not do half of the routine, but it was good because it kept my mind off things. I learned to relax that first day.
The following day I downloaded the yoga app on my phone and just watched classes several times. I wonder how long it took those ladies to bend and stretch and still look serene. I was dishevelled after my first attempt. I sweated in places I never knew would sweat.
Surprisingly, it felt really good. And the best part was I didn’t have to talk to people and share personal stuff. I even talked to my daughter for a good half hour after it. It was like I sweated my worries and sadness away.
I am sipping some iced tea while I lay on the hammock, an indulgence that I had after the divorce. I have an empty house, except on weekends when the kids come home and have dinner or a barbecue once or twice a month. Since the divorce, it seemed that the children suddenly became adults even though they have been for a while now. They talk to me like an adult. Maybe I just never noticed before, or maybe the mother in me automatically kicks in when they are around.
Now, I do not worry if they washed their clothes right, if they are eating well, or if they are doing well at work. I just know they are alright. Just as I will be, in time.